Left You, Yet I Love You
by moonfaerie326
Summary: It was sadness that brought the two together, that united them in a way they'd only dream about. Its duty that forces them apart. Tiva
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys. I bet you're wondering why I update a bunch of stories at once huh? Well, the answer to that is a simple one. And that is, my computer, sucks. S-U-C-K-S, sucks. Major-ly. I believe it is approximately 1000 years old, it sounds about right. It takes a half an hour for it to get its little heart started everyday. But I love the thing, because it refuses to crap out on me. And for that, I say "thank you dear computer, you have my love." Heh. Oh, and because we have Ethernet, which means one cord, and my brother is an internet hog, though he would say I am, but he really is the one who is. He keeps it in his room. I will go swipe it and plug it in for a day, then I will leave, and when I get back it will be gone, back in his room. Hopefully when I get my laptop we will have wireless Internet, and then I can update when I write my story! :] That sounds wonderful to me.**

**Left You, Love You.**

**PROLOGUE:**

_Sad, disheartened, distressed, and overwhelmed. Those were the feelings that seemed to course through her for the past few days. She had never had her emotions overwhelm her in such away before, and she knew that she had softened. She had allowed her barrier to drop, and her reward was a swirl of emotions she didn't know what to do with. _

_Her drive home was a blur, she couldn't even really remember leaving the office, nor getting into her car. She only remembered, standing at her doorstep for a minute before she finally entered. She didn't know why she didn't want to enter, but she just had a feeling that things were about to change. And boy had she been right._

_He had a headache, one that was well on its way to a full-blown migraine with the way he was thinking. He didn't understand much right now, he almost felt as if he were drowning, like every last breath had been pushed out of his body and he was left floundering to find his own air. His support had left, -gone, quit- and now he had to find his own way, he had to carry everyone now, for he was the leader, no longer the follower, and he was not ready for such a change._

_He had left in a haze. He had gotten in his car, and drove, he had no real destination in mind, but when he ended up stopping, he couldn't help but smile. He could see her from here she just stood there. She didn't seem to be looking for her keys; she was just standing there staring at her door as if it was the most interesting thing on the planet. _

_He watched, as she seemed to shake herself out of whatever had enraptured her so, and that was when he finally allowed himself to step out of the car. He had a feeling things were going to be different from now on, and it wasn't just the fact that he was now the one everyone was going to turn to, it was something more … personal. He had no idea just how right he had been._

Three months, four days, and eight hours ago was when the change had begun. And since that time they had enjoyed every second of it. They'd shared stolen kisses, and stolen touches, but never anything more than that, but if you asked either of them what their thoughts were on this progress they'd both say the same thing. That they didn't mind, they wanted to take things slow, because they wanted it to last. Someone should have told them, that things don't always go the way that they want; it might have saved them both a lot of heartache.

**END**

**'TIS A LIL' PROLOGUE OF THEE STORY I GOTS BREWIN' FOR Y'ALL. I hope it enraptured you, I hope it enthralled you, but most of all, I hope it enticed you enough to review. Because that would make me feel peachy keen, instead of … well I am not sure, but it'd make me feel all sorts of good. And don't you want to make me feel good. I bet you do, I can see it in your eyes. Oh, BTW. I purposely avoided saying names, I was hoping everyone would be able to figure out who they were, I think it's fairly obvious. :] I might have gotten the timeline off a bit, Ziva gets framed 3 months after Hiatus Part 2 am I correct? I am sorry if I am not. I have only seen that episode once.**

**MY QUESTION: What do all of your names mean? My name [Rachel] means ewe [motherly sheep] so combine that with my middle name and my name would mean, Motherly Sheep Reborn. I thought that was a pretty funny. :] If you don't know what your names mean just tell me you're name [and that you don't know what it means] and I could look it up for you, and then of course I would post it in my next chapter at the beginning for everyone to read. :]**

**Rae.**


	2. Chapter 2

**I am not feeling so well. I do not know when I will be able to update next. I have work the next four days so probably not till after that. I will try and get something out sooner thought; but don't count on it.**

"You're going to need you're full head in this Tony." Spoke the red head from her spot behind a large desk.

"Yes director. I have every intention of following this through." Tony stated, he was dressed in a crisp black suit, a white shirt, and a black tie. His features were set in hard lines his expression read business.

"Good." Jenny stood, her billowy white blouse slightly wrinkled from being seated to long, yet her pencil skirt remained perfectly straightened. "I knew I could count on you." She smiled thinly walking towards the man. She held out her hand only for it to be engulfed by a much larger one.

"You always can." Tony grinned, his smile charming dropping all pretenses of his business façade.

"Tony." Jenny stated, a slight warning in her tone. This caused Tony's eyebrows to knit together in confusion. "This mission will take _all _of your attention." Tony nodded at her words, already thinking something along those lines. "Consider Anthony DiNozzo's social life terminated from this point on." Her words were calculated and Tony knew exactly what she was getting at. "And remember, top secret."

Tony sighed heavily, his heart pumping in his chest. This whole conversation just made his life a lot more difficult. He was already regretting his choice.

--

_I saw it in the news_

_You told me they were wrong_

_And I stood up for you_

_Because I believed you were the one_

_You had all the chances in the world_

_To let me know the truth_

_What the hell is wrong with you?_

Tony knocked gently on the door of the apartment he had been frequenting for the past three months. He almost hoped she wouldn't answer – which was a first – he didn't want to do this, his heart felt heavy and he wanted to break something but he knew he had to; it was just something that had to be done. When this was all over he just hoped she would understand.

The door opened to reveal a smiling woman, her dark hair cascaded over her shoulders and he wanted to trail his fingers through it once more. "Tony." She greeted him; her voice held such joy that his heart skipped a beat. She stepped forward, taking his hand in her own and pulling him in, walking backwards in the process. "I was hoping you would come." She beamed; she didn't seem to notice the fact that he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Ziva." He spoke his voice a whisper.

It was then that she noticed his expression. His face was drawn into a frown and he stared off into the distance, one could describe his look similar to that of a wounded puppy. "What is wrong, Tony?" She questioned, not letting go of his hand.

"I can't keep doing this Ziva." Tony whispered finally meeting her eyes, he reached out a hand to brush her bangs away from her face; he knew this was the last time in a long time he was going to be able to run his fingers through her hair. "We're just not working out." He had to force the words to come out of his mouth, each moment becoming harder as the lies easily spilled forth. He watched the clarity come to her eyes, and he witnessed the moment the sadness began to overwhelm her. Her eyes had shimmered briefly before the coolness settled in. "This will not affect out friendship Ziva." He promised, more to make himself believe it than anything else.

Ziva took a large step back, distancing herself both emotionally and physically; her heart felt like it had just shattered and yet she couldn't let her emotions out, it was too dangerous. She had already let herself become too attached to him, and look where that led her.

Tony's arms reached for her of their own accord. He wanted to comfort her he couldn't stand her pain. This could have all been avoided had he simply said "no". But he did not think it would lead to this, such heartbreak had not been in the cards. "I'm sorry Ziva." He whispered, willing his tears back. This wasn't fair.

"No Tony." Ziva spoke with a slight shake of her head; her voice was completely composed, like the man she had loved had not just ripped out her heart and proceeded to stomp on it. "It is fine. It is not like we were ever going to amount to anything." She smiled bitterly. "We were simply passing the time."

Tony didn't know why, but that statement ripped his heart in two. He did not expect her to take it will, he expected her to throw things, maybe hit him; but he didn't expect to see the appearance of Mossad Ziva, her words hurt him more than any physical wound she may have inflicted.

When Tony made no move to leave the apartment Ziva stormed towards the door nearly ripping it from its hinges as she tore it open. "I think you should leave." She growled not looking into his eyes.

"Ziva." He wanted her too look at him, for her to see how much this was hurting him. Maybe then she could figure out what was going on and he would not have spoken the words.

"Leave now." The words were laced with venom; a deadly hiss.

Tony sighed, resigning himself to this. He couldn't wait for this mission to be over and it hadn't even begun. For when it was over he would win her back.

--

_Are you even listening when I talk to you?_

_Do you even care what I'm going through?_

_Your eyes staring they're staring right through me._

_You're right there but its like you never knew me_

_Do you even know how much it hurt?_

_You gave up on me to be with her_

_Revenge is sweeter than you ever were_

Ziva was glad it was the weekend. She didn't think she would be able to face anyone with the way she was feeling. As soon as Tony was out of her apartment she'd slammed the door only to drop to her knees seconds later with silent tears streaming down her face.

_He never cared for you Ziva._ A voice spoke in her mind, and it sounded menacing. _You decided to take things slow, and apparently that was __**too**__ slow for Mr. DiNozzo, _it stated snidely as Ziva hiccupped out the last of her tears. _He's already moved on, leaving you here to wallow in you're pity while he parties. _Ziva sighed and she accepted the words for the truth.

She knew what she was going to have to do, she knew that she was going to have to pretend that nothing ever happened, but she also knew just how hard it was going to be, she loved him, and he broke her heart.

_I'm so mad at you right now_

_But I can't even find the words_

_And you're on the way down_

_I can't wait to see you burn_

_You tried to make me hate that girl_

_When I should be hating you_

_What the hell is wrong with you?_

He was hurt by her indifference. She was acting just like she always did, but there was an icy mask in place of her usually warm expression. She joked around with everyone, and she made her usual death threats; but when she made one directed at him he had a distinct feeling that she meant it more than she usually did.

Ziva wanted to yell, she wanted to tear out her hair and she wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her; but she did none of those things. She hated that he would send her secretive glances, she hated that his eyes were soft, she hated that she still cared. Why couldn't her feelings have vanished when he told her it was over? Why did she have to feel this way? She sucked in a breath before she turned to talk to McGee her attention never wavering from him because if she looked anywhere else she would come face to face with Tony, and she needed a few more days to deal with this.

_Nothing can save you now that's over_

_I guess you'll find out now that you're no one_

_Don't say you're sorry now cause I just don't care_

The days past, and her feelings did not subside. She felt like she was drowning in a sea of sadness, every time she saw his smiling face at work she couldn't help but grimace. Her heart was in pain, and she felt as if she was withering away; but she pulled on in a way only she could. No one could tell there was anything different. No one knew her heart had been shattered; and it would stay that way.

_Nothing can save you now_

_Nothing, nothing_

_Nothing can save you now_

_Nothing_

**I used snippets of "Revenge is Sweeter Than You Ever Were" by The Veronicas. It was my inspiration for this chapter. I hope it makes sense, it does in my head, but I'm not exactly sane sometimes SO that may not be something to go off of.**

**ENJOY MY FRIENDS. :]**


	3. Chapter 3

****waves** HI! I'm back! Did you miss me? At all? Even a smidge? Well I just got back today … going on yesterday as I type … and I wanted to finish this up before I went to bed. So here you are. I missed you all! And I wrote down all of my ideas while I was away.**

Weeks have passed and with each day the pain feels fresher. She wants it all to end; her decision has been made. She can feel the pressure of tears building beneath her eyes; her throat feels swollen as she swallows thickly. "I do not want to be here anymore." Her voice is strong, none of her conflicting emotions causing her voice to waver; just cold, calculated awareness.

She eyes the women in front of her, taking in her features for probably the last time. It wasn't supposed to be like this, she thinks dully, she wasn't supposed to fall in love and she certainly wasn't supposed to feel this broken. "I have stayed my welcome." She states but this time her voice does crack, but the tears remain hidden, no matter how close to the surface they become.

She thought she could handle the way her heart seemed to rip in half every time she saw him but she was wrong. It only seemed to get worse every time she had to look him eyes, every time she watched him smile. He was happy, and she was dying from the inside out.

"Ziva." The women whispered pushing back her chair as she made her way over to her.

Ziva steps back, distancing herself emotionally and physically yet again, she seemed to be doing that a lot lately; she had learned the hard way that the people that you loved the most, let you down the hardest. Her father had told her that, but she had chosen not to believe him. She gives a brief shake of her head, her feelings laced within the singular motion. _Not anymore. _

She closes her eyes, her spine going stiff as she waits for her response.

"You aren't leaving." The director speaks slowly, waiting to gain Ziva's attention once more.

Ziva's eyes snap open, and the pain in her heart seems to increase tenfold at the mere thought of staying. "I am not happy here Jenny!" She nearly shouts, a desperate attempt to try and persuade the women before her.

Jenny looks at her sympathetically, but makes no move to approach her again. If she has learned one thing about the women standing in front of her, its that she will come to you when she is ready, _if_ she is ever ready. "You were." She states simply in response. "What's changed?" Her voice is sympathetic, but she is not letting the young women leave, not when she knows that this isn't what she really wants.

"Everything." She whispers brokenly, her eyes have now welled with tears and she looks away, biting the inside of her cheek hard to stop them from spilling over. She tastes blood, the coppery taste filling her mouth and putting her somewhat at ease.

Jenny sighs, leaning against her desk with her arms crossed, she will not open up now, she is sure of that. "Officer David, you are staying here, that is an order." She eyes the women before her warily, hating to pull out this trump card but finding no other way.

Jenny can't help but to watch in astonishment as Ziva's shoulders square, and her chin lifts as her eyes set into hardened slits. "Yes Director." She hisses heatedly, her voice hard as steel.

She will stay, but she won't like it.

--

Tony's fingers drummed against his desk in an erratic rhythm. He was nervous, Ziva had asked to go see the director half an hour ago and she had yet to make her appearance. He didn't know why she wanted to see her, nor did he know what was taking them so long, all he knew was he felt an urgency that he'd never felt before. Something was wrong. He knew that from the way she'd been acting.

She no longer forced herself to look at him, she avoided being in his presence for too long, she didn't offer to drive, and she certainly didn't engage in witty banter. He missed her; all of her, and his gut was telling him that feeling was about to become much more intense.

He sucked in a breath as he heard the slam of a door, his gaze shot to the director's office, watching as Ziva stormed out with a fire in her eyes. Her gaze locked with his for one moment, and in that moment Tony felt as though his heart had been crushed. Her eyes were filled with hatred, burning deep within her but also mingling with the love he had seen all those weeks ago. He dropped his head to his desk, wishing – not for the first time – that he had not taken the mission.

His heart screamed at him to talk to her while his arms ached to hold her. He never needed anything so much in his life and yet he wasn't able to have it, not right now.

His phone rang, shocking him out of his remorseful reverie. He rubbed a hand over his face, hoping to wipe away the sadness that he knew stained his features. "DiNozzo." He grumbled.

"I need to see you in my office. Now." Jenny's voice hung warily through the phone, those were the only words spoken before the line went dead.

Tony's whole body felt like ice and fire at the same time. He shot a nervous gaze to Ziva as he watched her slump into her chair, her arms crossing over her chest as she turned her chair to face the corner avoiding everyone's gaze.

He shot out of his seat practically running up the steps as his heart squeezed in a way that had become all too familiar within the past weeks. Each morning he woke up hoping that it had all been a dream only to find out that this was his reality and it sucked.

Cynthia nodded him in as soon as he entered the waiting area and for that he was glad, he did not know if he could wait to find out what was going on. He knew it had to do with Ziva, and his throat burned with anticipation.

He threw open the doors, letting them slam shut behind him as he stormed up to her desk without uttering a word. He would let her speak.

She glanced up at him, her eyes looking older than they had days before. "Ziva wants to go back to Israel." She spoke the words, but Tony's world shattered.

Hehe. Oops. Is that a bad place to leave off? It seemed like an okay place to me. Did you like this chapter? In the coming chapters we will hit "Shalom" and from there I will probably redo all of season four; well at least most of it. I do not own that season as of yet so it may be a bit difficult for me to accomplish but I can do it. I believe in myself, so I just need you to believe in me too.

**Just a side note; half of this was written before I left, up to just before the point where Jenny orders Ziva to stay; the orders and the rest were finished when I got back. **

**I am going on another vacation April 9****th**** through April 13****th****. Not nearly as long as my last one but it will be putting a hold on my writing as I get everything ready for that. I'm going to ride the train to my destination; I'm excited!**

**Your reviews are highly encouraged and cherished!**


	4. Chapter 4

**I am in immense pain, but I had the incredible urge to write, so I am going to tough it out, and sit in my uncomfortable desk chair for however long it takes for me to get this done.**

Tony's lungs felt like they were burning, or maybe that was his heart. He wasn't really sure, he just knew that his eyes stung with unshed tears and his ears were ringing with the last spoken words.

"_Ziva wants to go back to Israel."_

Tony clenched his fists, his mouth opening and closing like a fish floundering for air. What was he supposed to say to that? He had half the mind to fly out the door of the Directors office and tie Ziva to her desk chair all the while ordering not to leave. He was not afraid to pull rank if it kept her here with him.

Tony's mouth finally snapped shut, and he stared hard at the woman before him. "And?" He stated firmly once he'd recovered his voice. He sighed once he realized it sounded like he did not care if Ziva stayed or went when it was, in fact, quite the opposite.

Jenny reeled back from the sting within his voice. She'd expected some emotion, but not the harsh voice that he'd graced her with. "And I ordered her to stay…" She trailed off, now unsure if she'd done the right thing. Obviously something had happened, and if it was going to effect their work ethic she may have to take Ziva up on her offer. "But I can change that if that is going to be a problem Special Agent DiNozzo." Her only fear was that if Ziva was sent back she might never see the young woman again.

She reached for her phone, picking it up and dialing "0" it went straight through. "Cynthia, put me through to Officer David." She eyed Tony for a moment before looking down at her phone. She could not believe she was going to do this; it seemed like her best team was falling apart at the seams.

She heard the phone ring, and the click of it being picked up. "Officer David." Stated Ziva, and Jenny could hear the disgruntled sound of her voice obviously she was upset.

Before Jenny could even open her mouth to speak she heard the dial tone. She sighed heavily once again before looking up at Tony his finger firmly pushing down the call end button. "Don't." He spoke, and his eyes were steely with their intent. He could not believe that she was about to let Ziva go. "Ziva stays." He murmured slowly, wishing to get his point across.

Jenny could do nothing but nod; she had never seen this side of Tony before. She was used to the over-grown playboy façade, not the seriously intent man he was portraying right now. Jenny chose not to ask any questions; instead she took in a large breath, before slowly releasing it. "We need to talk about your mission." She announced hoping to change the subject in order to dispel the tense atmosphere that had begun to surround the two of them. She finally hung up the phone that had been ringing dead air into her ear.

She did not know that those words would make the conversation tenser. Tony's shoulders stiffened and his glare hardened significantly. It was the damn mission that had started all this, and he had wondered if he could back out now before it even started.

"You have yet to make contact with your target, I have appointed you a two week leave." Tony's gaze softened in a look that Jenny knew all to well. "Your team will be fine with out you for that period of time." Tony gave a brief nod, knowing in his heart he would not back out of this mission, DiNozzo's were not one to give up, and he knew that would be giving up. "I have prior knowledge that Miss Beniot will be in Germany in that time, and I think it would be best if you met her there, and then bumped into her here later. Women usually find the whole "fate" thing undeniably romantic."

"You're sending me to Germany, simply to meet a woman?" Tony scoffed, unsure whether he should believe this or not.

"There will also be a meeting you will be attending, it will not be all fun in games Tony, do not think that." Tony nodded, ignoring the feeling that sprouted within his gut; nothing was going to happen within the couple weeks he was gone. That was just ludicrous.

He gave himself a firm nod to make up his mind. "Of course Director Shepard." His voice had not lost his business edge; despite the way his stomach seemed to roll every which way at the thought of leaving Ziva in the condition their relationship was in. "When do I leave?" He questioned, knowing he had no other choice but to acquiesce with her request.

"By the end of the week." Jenny nodded once, her signal for him to leave. Once he'd made his way out of her office she rubbed her eyes slowly, her fingers then moving to her temples to stroke those as well. She had a bad feeling about everything, but she couldn't let this go. There was to much bad blood already, and she could not let it go no matter how hard she tried.

--

Tony walked down the stairs slowly, his eyes trained firmly on Ziva as she slowly rocked her chair one way and then the other. She wasn't watching anything in particular but he knew that she was well aware of her surroundings; she probably knew he was watching her right at that moment. She always seemed to have that uncanny ability, it stung that she made no move to acknowledge him, and he knew it was his fault that things were this way, but he had tried to make things better between them, but she would not give an inch, nor would she spend any alone time with him. He was getting frustrated, and all he wanted to do was shake her and then pull her into her arms like he used to do.

He walked into the bullpen, hoping the saying was true: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." He could only hope that this tense feeling between them vanished with his absence, and therefore they could begin to mend their friendship in hopes of returning to what they once were.

--

Ziva could feel his eyes on her, and she had to try to stop the way it seemed to make her skin burn with a fire she was trying to forget. She avoided looking at him at all cost, knowing what would happen if she were to get lost in his eyes again. She had to forget her feelings, for they were not returned and she'd learned from the past few weeks that unrequited love was painful than any injury she had ever sustained.

She sat silently listening as he informed the team that he would be leaving on Friday. She couldn't help but smile a little, hoping that the time apart would help to relieve her aching heart. On Friday, she would begin the healing process and she wasn't going to think about Anthony D. DiNozzo as a more than just a friend/boss.

**Kind of a filler chapter, I am not quite ready to hit up Shalom yet, I felt there was a bit of information that you needed to gain as of yet and it is in that chapter. There may even be one chapter left before Season 4 actually comes into play, I am thinking about putting in the Jeanne/Tony meeting, and Ziva's feelings at being a part and her healing process. I am not sure yet though. I will probably decide. Next week I have Monday – Friday off, and I hope to accomplish posting at least one thing a day, but things don't usually play out how I wish. :/ But lets hope that they do. ^^**


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